Fuckin Up

how hard is it to put on a fake smile? not very, but when ur doing it constantly people seem to catch on. i may joke around all the time and always seem so happy, but in reality i am miserable. i HATE my life. i hate almost everything about it, with the exception of few friends. whenever i try to do anything good, it blows up in my face. why bother? why do i help others when i cant even help myself?

well this is just a warning that im preparing myself to move in the summer, i wont tell anyone and i will give no warning. i want to start over with a new life.

Tainted Love

Sometimes I feel I've got to... run away,
I've got to... get away
From the pain you drive in the heart of me.
The love we share seems to go nowhere,
And I've lost my light,
For I toss and turn; I can't sleep at night.

Once I ran to you, (I ran), now I run from you.
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you.
Take my tears and that's not really all...
Tainted love, ohh, tainted love

Now I know I've got to... run away,
I've got to... get away.
You don't really want any more from me.
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight,
And you think love is to blame,
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way.

Once I ran to you, (I ran), now I run from you.
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you.
Take my tears and that's not really all...
Tainted love, ohh, tainted love

Don't touch me please, I cannot stand the way you tease.
I love you though you hurt me so.
Now I'm gonna pack my things and go.
Touch me baby, tainted love

Once I ran to you, (I ran), now I run from you.
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you.
Take my tears and that's not really all...
Tainted love, ohh, tainted love

The Ace of Spades

kallen is my hero

what they GON do?

insted of bitching about my life and its faults, starting today... im gonna do something about it. ive thought long and hard about goals i wanna set for myself, and for me ANY goals is pushing it...

*700 push ups a week (100 everyday)
*700 crunches a week (100 everyday)
*35 water bottles a week (5 everyday)
*no more money spent on food (exception being coffee which i sometimes need)
*no more weed
*i can only spend $50 out of every paycheck for anything i want
*i can only fill up my gas tank once a week with my own money

the reason for the water bottles is the more water you drink, the more frequent your body goes through the digestive system, making it faster. if i dont spend any more money on food, ill notice that ill have a lot more money beacuse i usually just buy perkins or wendys like everyday, and its beginning to make me broke and fatter. ive noticed recently that weed is making me really stupid so im gonna really try to quit before i turn into andy dane travis or whoever else smoked themself retarded. im also capping my spendings so i can have money to spare after everytime i pay bills. ive been in a money drought recently due to me being an idiot with my money and buying food 2 or 3 times a day. gas has been a real issue, ive always had to fill it up 2 times a week and thats 120$ every paycheck just for gas. thats crazy! im gonna be carpooling a lot less. im always usually so nice to give people rides places, now people are just taking it forgranted.. if they wanna go places all the time they better have money to do so.

now, i hope i can just stick with it all

this week

why is everything this week seem weird or out of place in the worst way? it seems like everything is bothering me and making me really angry. but i also feel helpless.. idk maybe its me that is changing because everyone else seems to be the same, ...just anoiying. maybe im just growing up and seeing things through a different perspective... are these people i hang out with really my friends im gonna be there for the rest of my life? do i need new friends? i dont know...

for the past few days ive spent hours sitting in my basement wanting to make it my room and put everything in it, but knowing me everything needs to be perfect, ...but every possible position for furnature seems to have a flaw. what a complete waiste of time i havent accomplished anything... and when i finally wanna do something, the people i need to do it are impossible to get ahold of.

caribou isnt helping my sanity either.. they told me that i was pretty much hired they just needed to call me tuesday... and tomorrow is friday. nice, now im still stuck with 1 job... and the hopkins caribou called asked to set up an interview but i dont wanna until i hear from the other one first. i guarentee they will call when i work tomorrow and i wont pick up beacuse ill be at work so ill be stuck, and maybe its too late to call hopkins back... grr i hate it...

as some of you may know, im losing someone really close to me this week... no they arent dying, i just have my own reasons to lose all contact with them. i know it will straighten me out somehow, but when i try to have one last get together it all seems to blow up in my face... and why does it have to happen this week? the week where everything is out of place anyways... god i hate it..

best buy has me working every friday saturday and sunday night.... now.. i dont go to college so that makes my weekdays boring as hell, and when there is something to do, usually weekend days, ...im stuck at work. its fucking retarted! everyone keeps calling me and texting me asking if im having something at my house... no, im at work ALWAYS! that better change real soon or else im gonna lose it.

i have a feeling that im gonna be spending a lot of time in the near future by myself to gain some sanity back...

my world is getting smaller everyday ay ay ay ay

wow i havent posted in about a month and a half! time for an update...

okay so most of everybody knows that i quit caribou a month ago, but for those who dont know, i quit caribou a month ago! beause i got a new job doing night stock for byerlys at 10.10 an hour (and 11.10 on sundays). i work about 31.9999 hours there and about 28 hours at best buy, which is way more hours then when i was working at caribou. it sometimes sucks, like the days i close best buy and then have to go to byerlys right away at 12. long days, but im getting some big checks. i sleep and hang out on the time i have off, which isnt that much.

christmas was a few days ago which was pretty fun. i got money, best buy gift cards and movies basically. the money and the gift cards are contributing to my car system that ive been wanting to get recently. im getting a new deck, amplifier, and subs to make my car super sweet. i got speakers, but then realized i didnt need them so im gonna return them. i cant wait for friday to get it all installed (if everything goes to plan.) :p

other then that, my life is either confusing or cruel, but dont ask beacuse i wont tell. some things that are happening are things that i would NEVER think about doing, and its making me kinda depressed. i feel like such a bad person. any time i have ever done wrong is when im joking around, i never actually mean to hurt people. i feel like such a bad person...
some other things are questioning the way i feel about some people which is making me go insane in the worst way. the more i think, the harder i am on myself, and the more trapped i feel. theres so much i wanna say, but i know i cant. once again, dont ask beacuse i wont tell.

there are so many people i havent seen in the longest time, and if you are reading this and you want that to change, please let me know in comment form. i feel like the amount of people i socialize with are getting smaller and smaller every day.

Today I might snow, tomorrow I'll rain

wow this week has changed things oh so much. everything is so awesome!!!

i love both my jobs. they are both really cool and i love the people i work with (besides my bou manager).im gonna be getting really big checks every week and im pretty sure ill be on top of all my bills. when i get my discount at best buy, im gonna be getting really cool toys like woah.

yay i got a car!!! its fucking sweet! maroon 98 pontiac grand prix se v6 3800. its a fucking beast and it cute as hell! it also has a bunch of hidden gadgets and whatnot like an automatic starter and cool features. when i drive it i feel like batman FO SHO! i also got an ipod fm transmitter/dock/charger so i dont have to move it, and i dont have to bring my cds everywhere. 1 more step closer to the bat-MAN!

in the past 2 days ive hung out with people ive never hung out with, people i always hang out with and people i hung out with way back in the day, and its really awesome! im getting the best of all worlds. i hang out with tasha carla and mike a lot now which is awesome since i love them. i wish i were able to hang out to annah more since shes my twin. and i really would like to hang out with jason and nicole since they are fucking awesome. with my schedule, it might be kinda hard since i can rarely do anything. ill think of something

im working out again since it makes best buy easier on me. i already feel way strong, and its only gonna get better.

i pretty much have everything i want and im loving life. i knew my stress would go away, and i really dont have any reasons to be stressful... except for xmas coming up. ive already got a lot of ideas, but theres so much more that im gonna need.

i love my life!!! moist!

Uhn tiss uhn tiss uhn tiss baby